She is gone

How is it she can be gone already? She was only 58 years old and had beat cancer twice but this third time it got her. Why did God have to take her from us.



You were the best mother in law and grandmother. I loved you like a mother and I hope you knew that. My heart hurts and cries. I hope you are sitting next to God. I hope you are not hurting anymore. I will everything I can for my kids to remember you. I love you.

The photo is a photo of my mother in law, husband and father in law that was taken a year ago. Before the cancer.

Milestones the good and bad

So my mother in law is in the ICU and not doing good at all she is starting to model. (That is a sign that death is coming fast and there is very little time left.) She has been there for my children and I for all the milestones that they make. She missed two of the biggest things last night.

My 3 year old finally spoke two words for the first time. He said "my ball" we have been waiting to hear his voice for 3 years and she would would have been so happy that he started to talk but she could not be here. Then my 4 month old (4 months today) rolled over from his tummy to his back. I don't know how we are ever going to get use to these things without her. She had been there for us while I was fighting with schools and doctors and she was there when I was celebrating my kids doing something great.

I just do not see how I can celebrate anything without her now. How am I suppose to celebrate birthdays or milestones.... anything? She has always been the glue that held this family together and now she is not going to be able to be here for any of it. How do people get through losing a parent or parent in law?

I know I had only had her for a year and a half but I had gotten really close to her. I was closer to her than I was with the woman that gave birth to me. To be honest I hate the woman that gave birth to me but I love the woman that raised me. I was raised by my grandmother. My grandmother is not my grandmother in my eyes she is my mom. The two women I was close to is my mom (grandma) and my mother in law. 

I am so scared to lose either of them and I am losing one of them now. I do not have a lot of family and the family I do have I am losing because God is taking them so they can be his angels. I just hope he lets me have my mom for at least another 10 or 20 more years. 

I cannot go through something like this again anytime soon. I just could not handle it. I think I am going to just go look at homes to buy or something to get past this. It just hurts so much that she missed these things that I know she would have been more than happy to see and hear.

Time ticks away

Right now time is just ticking away so fast. I do not even know what to say. I got a call from my husband saying there will be another meeting with the doctor at 6 tonight. But right now the doctor said that there was nothing he could do for her. I mean come on there must be something the doctor can do. I know saying that goes against my medical training but there just has to be something.

I just do not know what to do. I want to take my kids up to see her before she goes but I do not want them to see her and remember her the way she is now. The last time my kids saw her was a few days ago. We were at my niece's birthday party. She did not look really well but she looked good enough that my kids did not ask questions or notice anything different. But the adults did.

How is it on the 6th she was happy talking and holding my youngest son and then on the 8th she was in the hospital with all kinds of problems and now she is going to pass. How can cancer go this fast. I was sure she would at least be able to see my son turn 6 months old and now it looks like she wont see him a week into his 4th month of life.

I guess what my mom said is right at least she got to see her son get married and have a baby. But what does that matter if she does not get to see her grandson grow up? She should be able to see that. I mean I do not even know if my father in law will be able to. My father in law has a lot of health problems and they just celebrated the 38th year of marriage. You know when you love someone so much and have been together for so long most of the time the other spouse does not make it much longer than the other.

I know that I should not be thinking like that but I just cannot help but think about all this stuff. What else can I do but think that. I feel like everything I am doing is just making things worse. If I am not there people look down on me and if I am there people act like I have no right to be there. All I want is to be there for my mother in law father in law and husband. But I do not even know how to be there for them. I have no idea how to be there for the kids once they find out either.

Is this how it is for every woman that goes through this or is it just me? I need to know what I am suppose to do but no one will tell me or can tell me. I just need some guidance.

UPDATE- They said at the latest she will make it to tomorrow morning she is not stable enough to call hospice and she would not tolerate a move.

Just trying to get through

My husband and I are just trying to get through this together but it is so hard. It seems like if we even talk about his mom he gets upset. So now we do not talk about her at all even if I see something I want to buy her I do not say it. So I have been looking into buying a house and what we need for our special needs kids (there are things we need in a house for them). I know that we cannot really afford to buy a house right now but there are a few I love. I know they will be off the market before we can buy them.

I have decided that thinking about helping our special needs kids is so much easier than facing the truth of what is going on with my mother in law. The worst part of my emotional state is that I know that some day I will lose my mom. After all our mothers are about the same age and I do not think that I would be able to get through my mom passing. 

I still have no idea how good my husband really is doing. He wont open up to me. I am honestly getting jealous of his sisters because he opens up to them more than he does me. I know I shouldn't be but I am. He opens up to them hugs them and all that but with me he is nothing like that. The night this all started with her being in the hospital he just walked off and left me alone with the kids. She is my mother in law and I want to see her too. I guess the good thing is if she does pass today her last words to me were "I Love You"

I just can't only worry about other things my mind always always goes to that ICU room with her in it. I just cannot believe that we are going through this in our late 20s we were suppose to be going through this in our 40s... not after only 1 year of marriage. I just wish I knew what to do to get us through this. 

Please tell me how do I get my husband, my kids, my father in law and I through this. I am so lost on what to do and how to do it. 


Update- There will now be a family meeting today that I cannot be apart of because the doctor said that more chemo will not do anything for her. They think the doctor is going to call in hospice and say just wait for her to pass on. (I am fighting not to cry she only got to know her grandson for 4 months as of tomorrow)

Not a good day at all

So I got a call last night about 8. It was my sister in law she said meet us at the hospital now. So we get all the kids together and drive all the way to the hospital to find my mother in law was having issues. I stayed out in the van with the kids because I do not want them to see her like that. After a while we find out she is dehydrated and is in pain with very low oxygen levels. So they are going to take her by EMS to another hospital about 2 hours away.

We drove home and dropped my kids off with my brother and went on to the hospital. when we got there we found out it was worse then we thought. She had to be given meds for blood pressure, to thin her blood, antibiotics, and 2 units of blood. She was going to be admitted to the hospital. So about 430 am she was admitted and moved to the ICU. About 4 the next day we find out that the cancer has spread and it is really bad now.

She was cancer free about 3 weeks ago 5 days ago we find out she has stage 4 liver cancer and now we find out there is a spot on her lungs about the size of a 50 cent piece, that 85%-90% of her liver has cancer, that it is in her bones and blood. It is moving so fast it is a race against time at this point. They sent her for a biopsy and now we wait to find out what kind of cancer we are dealing with. We were told it could be that the breast cancer came back for a 3rd time or it could be a new cancer.

We were told at this point all we can do is try to keep her comfortable. They did not give us a time on how much longer she has but we all know it is not much. Most likely she will not make it to our kids next birthdays. This has just been so hard for me and my husband. My kids have no idea that grandma is sick. I don't want to tell them and I do not want to let them see her like this. I do not want them to remember her like this. 

I just feel like I am being a bad mom because they should be able to see her. I do not want to take time away from them. But at the same time I do not want to ruin what memories they have of her. I hope I am doing what is right for everyone.

Looking to buy

So I have decided we have to buy a home. For a home with 4 bedrooms it will cost between 700 and 800 dollars a month and those are not even the nice homes. I would rather buy a home and pay less and be able to paint walls, plant flower, and have a kids pool if I want to. Right now our landlord is a butt-head and will not allow even a small kids pool from wal-mart. So my kids get to run through the sprinkler but if the landlord found out she would probably have issues with that too.

So in my search for homes I have found a lot of nice ones but I have no clue other than looking online what to do. I know we need to get a realtor but that is about all I know. I want to see if I can get some new home buyer stuff. But I don't even know where to go to find that stuff either. 

I have big hopes for buying a house soon. I cannot stay in the city much longer before I lose my mind. I want to live in the country so bad. I miss the country. I am pretty easy to make happy when it comes to buying a house. On the top of my list of wants it is a big kitchen and a big fenced yard. Those are the two most important things for me. 

You need a big kitchen when you have 4 kids and a hubby. Plus it would be nice to have a big kitchen and yard so I can have the family over for holidays. My favorite two holidays are Christmas and 4th Of July. (I think my next post will have to be all about Christmas!!!) I like to plan my decorations and all early so that way I have time to get everything I need before hand.

So back to what I was talking about... houses for sale not holidays. So I have found a few that I like but I do not want to move to another city and I know where I want to be but the problem is there is no homes big enough for sale. Where I want to be they only have two 3 bedrooms for sale and they do not look that good. 

Just looking and planing to buy a home is stressful. If only I had some help. My husband will look at the houses I like and most of the time he agrees that they are nice and tell me he likes them but he will not do anything else. I have been looking for dang near 6 MONTHS!! We should have had something done by now. I know he feels like we cannot afford to buy one right now but that is because he has not looked into what we could get as help for us being 1st time home buyers. 

My mother in law

I love my mother in law. She is more of a mother to me than the woman that gave birth to me. It tears me up what is going on with her. But I try not to show it because I have to be strong for her and for other members of my family.

I am scared very scared that she will not make it to my son's 1st birthday. My husband is very heartbroken but he acts like it no longer bothers him even though it does. It has to after all we just found out 3 days ago. I gave her some of my body by vi shake mix because from what a promoter told me it is approved for cancer patients. I am praying that this will help her. We want to keep her with us as long as we can.

It is so hard for me to type this without crying. Tonight we will get to see her at my niece's 16th birthday party and I am scared to go because I have been told she is not like what she used to be. She has lost a lot of weight and she is tired all the time and on top of that she is having issues with swollen feet and ankles. I am not just scared for me to see her but my kids too. I am worried that they will ask questions and that they will wear her out. My kids have no idea that grandma is slowly dieing and I don't plan on telling them. I think it would ruin what time they have left with her. I cannot do that to them.

I have attached a photo of her from a year ago. I love her so much. If you have it in your heart please pray for her. (I do not care what your religion is she needs all the prayer she can get.)

So stressed

This last week has been crazy. I found out that my mother in law is not in good health at all. (Stage 4 liver cancer and she found out at the end of fighting and winning her 2nd fight with breast cancer) I am so worried about how my husband is taking it and how my kids will take it when they find out. As hard as it is for me I have been trying to just live my life as nothing is wrong. I just don't want to mess up and put my foot in my mouth so I just figure if I act like nothing is wrong I have less of a chance of doing that and maybe my mother in law will like that someone is not acting funny towards her. 

Then my husband's work scheduled is just plain nuts. They don't even have him on a set shift for now. So one day he may work 1st then the next maybe 3rd. I hate that. But I can't really voice it to him because I know he is working hard for all of us.

So with my ex husband no longer working I do not get child support anymore and we had things coming up that we had to cancel. So for now I am thinking about what I can do to save some money. I found out that the cloth diapers we use cost to much for us right now and I need more and the "special" is crap this time. So I was talking to some other ladies that cloth diaper and I found out how to fold t-shirts into cloth diapers!!! I never knew about t-shirt diapers. I still need to snappi it but here is a photo of my very 1st attempt at it. It was not the best but you get the idea of what it is to be. (I stole one of my hubby's shirts to do this.)

Our normal cloth diapers are nothing like this they are really nice. They have snaps and they fit infants up to toddlers. I love them so much but they cost 7 and up per diaper. I know they save me a lot of money in the long run but in the short run it just costs way to much. But yes I bought some a few months back anyway. We spent about 300 on just 38 and a few inserts. Here is a photo of what the diapers we normally use look like.

As you can tell there is a big big difference. But I just love all the different kinds of cloth diapers.

*** NOTE- I will be blogging all kinds of stuff from how my week or day was to even just recipes. I will post more than once a day to maybe once a week. This blog all depends on how busy or laid back my life is at that time. I go to school online and take care of 4 kids a husband 4 dogs and a house. So please be patient with me. Thanks.***