Time ticks away

Right now time is just ticking away so fast. I do not even know what to say. I got a call from my husband saying there will be another meeting with the doctor at 6 tonight. But right now the doctor said that there was nothing he could do for her. I mean come on there must be something the doctor can do. I know saying that goes against my medical training but there just has to be something.

I just do not know what to do. I want to take my kids up to see her before she goes but I do not want them to see her and remember her the way she is now. The last time my kids saw her was a few days ago. We were at my niece's birthday party. She did not look really well but she looked good enough that my kids did not ask questions or notice anything different. But the adults did.

How is it on the 6th she was happy talking and holding my youngest son and then on the 8th she was in the hospital with all kinds of problems and now she is going to pass. How can cancer go this fast. I was sure she would at least be able to see my son turn 6 months old and now it looks like she wont see him a week into his 4th month of life.

I guess what my mom said is right at least she got to see her son get married and have a baby. But what does that matter if she does not get to see her grandson grow up? She should be able to see that. I mean I do not even know if my father in law will be able to. My father in law has a lot of health problems and they just celebrated the 38th year of marriage. You know when you love someone so much and have been together for so long most of the time the other spouse does not make it much longer than the other.

I know that I should not be thinking like that but I just cannot help but think about all this stuff. What else can I do but think that. I feel like everything I am doing is just making things worse. If I am not there people look down on me and if I am there people act like I have no right to be there. All I want is to be there for my mother in law father in law and husband. But I do not even know how to be there for them. I have no idea how to be there for the kids once they find out either.

Is this how it is for every woman that goes through this or is it just me? I need to know what I am suppose to do but no one will tell me or can tell me. I just need some guidance.

UPDATE- They said at the latest she will make it to tomorrow morning she is not stable enough to call hospice and she would not tolerate a move.